-
Notifications
You must be signed in to change notification settings - Fork 0
/
the-courage-to-be-disliked.html
213 lines (199 loc) · 18.4 KB
/
the-courage-to-be-disliked.html
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31
32
33
34
35
36
37
38
39
40
41
42
43
44
45
46
47
48
49
50
51
52
53
54
55
56
57
58
59
60
61
62
63
64
65
66
67
68
69
70
71
72
73
74
75
76
77
78
79
80
81
82
83
84
85
86
87
88
89
90
91
92
93
94
95
96
97
98
99
100
101
102
103
104
105
106
107
108
109
110
111
112
113
114
115
116
117
118
119
120
121
122
123
124
125
126
127
128
129
130
131
132
133
134
135
136
137
138
139
140
141
142
143
144
145
146
147
148
149
150
151
152
153
154
155
156
157
158
159
160
161
162
163
164
165
166
167
168
169
170
171
172
173
174
175
176
177
178
179
180
181
182
183
184
185
186
187
188
189
190
191
192
193
194
195
196
197
198
199
200
201
202
203
204
205
206
207
208
209
210
211
212
213
<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="utf-8">
<meta http-equiv="X-UA-Compatible" content="IE=edge">
<meta name="viewport" content="width=device-width, initial-scale=1">
<!-- Global site tag (gtag.js) - Google Analytics -->
<script async src="https://www.googletagmanager.com/gtag/js?id=G-JXDFZEKF37"></script>
<script>
window.dataLayer = window.dataLayer || [];
function gtag(){window.dataLayer.push(arguments);}
gtag('js', new Date());
gtag('config', 'G-JXDFZEKF37', { 'transport_type': 'beacon'});
</script>
<!-- End gtag.js -->
<title> The Courage to Be Disliked </title>
<link rel="stylesheet" href="../base.css">
</head>
<body>
<div class="container">
<div id="header-container" class="subcontainer">
<div class="item">
<div class="col" style="min-width: fit-content;">
<iframe type="text/html" sandbox="allow-scripts allow-same-origin allow-popups" width="212" height="362" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen style="max-width:100%" src="https://read.amazon.ca/kp/card?asin=B07GNTR4TX&preview=newtab&linkCode=kpe&ref_=cm_sw_r_kb_dp_MVKFHR4AA8G0EBWJ26DX" ></iframe>
</div>
<div class="col">
<div class="item-title">The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi</div>
<div class="item-part item-date">Date read: 2021-12</div>
<div class="item-subtitle">
This book combines philosophy with psychology in a story format.
It's a dialouge between a wise old man and an inexperienced curious young person.
It expands on the Adlerian psychology, on how there is always an internal purpose that justifies our actions(or inactions).
It provides controversial and eye-opening views on self-worth, confidence, fear, trauma, superiority, subjectiveness of our worlds, and the meaning of community.
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
<div id="notes-container" class="subcontainer">
<div class="item-title">Most important lessons I learned from this book</div>
<div class="item-description item-subtitle">
<h3>1. Trauma doesn't exist.</h3>
<p>
What we define as trauma, is basically a fixed mindset — a tool we create internally —
to avoid facing painful emotions from our past failures or disturbing experiences. <br>
They are thoughts and fears created based on a few data points from our past. <br>
Our mind overfits to those few experiences. <br>
It warns us to run away upon facing similar situation, just like our body reflects instinctively to a sudden physical threat. <br>
</p>
<p>
"Trauma" is defined by the meanings we give to those few painful experiences, not the experiences themselves. <br>
If we can redefine those meanings, we can overcome the trauma. <br>
It usually happens with expanding on those experiences, gathering more data, or simply put, doing more of what we fear. <br>
</p>
<h3>2. We have internal goals for everything we do (or don't do).</h3>
<p>
Our actions are justifiable not by our past experiences, but by the (subconcious) goals we have in mind. <br>
For instance, a mother shouting at her child, did not get angry because the child did something wrong.
The child is not to blame, he is just learning.
That mother subconciously used her anger as a tool to overpower her child.
Her internal goal is to be more effective in making her child behave the way she wants, so she gets angry. <br>
In human behavior, looking for their internal goals often reveals more than looking at what caused it. <br>
So next time you see someone being rude to you, before starting a fight, think about their internal goal.
Maybe it's just that they are having a bad day, and seeing someone else have a bad day with them makes them feel less lonely.
So if you pick that fight, you've fulfilled their internal goal. <br>
</p>
<p>
We tend to live in the world of possiblities, rather than facing the truth that may not be as satisfying. <br>
The internal goal with this is usually to save us from the unpleasant reality, which could be worse than our imaginations. <br>
I always dream of writing fascinating fictions, but I never have finished writing a story.
I always tell myself that I'm busy with work, my lifestyle doesn't allow me that, etc.
But the real reason (my hidden goal) is I want to leave the possibility of “I can do it if I try” open, by not committing to anything.
I'm afraid of exposing my work to criticism, and don't want to face the reality that I might suck at writing fictions. <br>
</p>
<h3>3. People can change</h3>
<p>
We tend to stay the same because we are familiar with the outcomes. <br>
It's like owning an old car, it rattles, but you know what to do if it drifts a bit to the right. <br>
Our inertia is still a choice, an unconcious choice to not change. <br>
</p>
<p>
We are curious beings, our mind cannot tolarate the unknowns. <br>
That's why change is hard, it requires some tolerance of unfamiliarity and chaos. <br>
To change is a matter of courage. <br>
The courage to jump into the unknown, knowing that there could be risks of emotional or physical pain. <br>
Asking someone to change is like asking someone not to be worried, or not to be sad. <br>
It doesn't work that way, it requires taking small steps towards getting brave enough to face the unfamiliarities of change. <br>
Everyone can change, but it's a matter of overcoming the never-fading inner fear. <br>
</p>
<h3>4. Freedom is being disliked by other people.</h3>
<p>
There is no objective view to the world, we all live in subjective stories our minds create. <br>
You are the protagonist of only your own story. <br>
Just because you see the world only from your eyes, doesn't mean center of the world, no one is. <br>
Just like the globe, every country can be the center of the world, at the same time, none of them are. <br>
You are the only one worried about your looks, health, goals, etc. <br>
Don't live to satisfy expectations of others. <br>
Living life for others leads to losing your identity and sense of self. <br>
It leads to a constant fear of acting against someone's preference. <br>
You throw away who you really are and live other people's lives. <br>
If you go to a party while you'd rather stay home and rest just because you want your friends to keep liking you, you've fallen into the path of hating yourself. <br>
If you don't like yourself, no one else will. <br>
</p>
<p>
Someone disliking you is proof that you are living with your own principles. <br>
It means you are living your life for yourself, not to satisfy others. <br>
If you are not living your life for yourself, then who is going to live it for you? <br>
Also, if you are not living for others, it means that other people are not living for you. <br>
Someone might not act the way you want them to, and that shouldn't frustrate you. <br>
To live for yourself, and by your own principles is the way to live freely. <br>
</p>
<h3>5. Other people are not better nor worse than you.</h3>
<p>
We evolutionarily developed to compare ourselves with others. <br>
This comparison leads us to have a hierarchical view of the world. <br>
A hierarchical view of the world means there are some people above you, and some people beneath you. <br>
We use comparison for self-improvement, so we tend to focus on people above us. <br>
There are infinite aspects in life and we can never be on top of the hierarchy in all of them, yet we strive for it. <br>
Now with today's social media, we can always find people who are better than us in anything we put our hands on. <br>
This constant focus on people above us leads to a deep seated feeling of inferiority. <br>
</p>
<p>
Feeling of inferiority can cause excessive self-consciousness about other peoples opinions and how they look at you. <br>
<!-- People who brag are fabricating a feeling of superiority, this shows they are living by other's values and not themselves. <br> -->
When you confront someone who you consider better than you, you tend to fear them, let them walk all over you, or act with extreme conservatism. <br>
It's the same when you face someone you consider to be worse than you. <br>
You act condescending, you unconsciously bully them, or act as if their opinions and lives don't matter as much as you do. <br>
In other words, you get further away from being yourself in your interactions with others when you see the world hierarchically. <br>
</p>
<!-- TODO: continue from here... -->
<!-- <h3>6. All problems are of interpersonal relationships.</h3>
<p>
Self hate, disliking self comes from the same
deep seated feeling of inferiority + internal goal of not getting hurt.
Our social lives are so important for us, as they were vital to our survival evolutionarily.
Now, with our interpersonal relationships being this important, we tend to see only our own shortcomings, with the hidden goal in mind not to get hurt in our interpersonal relationships.
That is, we have alibies, such as: my hair is bad, I'm short, I have a big forehead, I can't talk smoothly, I have bad skin, etc.
The problem is not height, it's the value you associate to height, which only has meaning in the society with other people.
You think that instead of getting entangled in such situations, it would be better if you just didn't have relations with anyone in the first place. In other words, your goal is to not get hurt in your relationships with other people
These feelings are subjective interpretations rather than objective facts.
I am right. That is to say, the other party is wrong. At that point, the focus of the discussion shifts from “the rightness of the assertions” to “the state of the interpersonal relationship.” In other words, the conviction that “I am right” leads to the assumption that “this person is wrong,” and finally it becomes a contest and you are thinking, I have to win. It's a power struggle through and through.
</p>
<h3>7. To be useful is to live in harmony with your community.</h3>
<p>
Your community is defined in different sizes, like the onion.
In every community, just living in harmony with that requires you to act in a certain way, produce something, teach something, provide emotional support, education, calm, tools, food, etc.
Looking at life as a competition will cause you to look at the people in your community as enemies you must surpass.
Looking at life as being surrounded by our communities will cause us to want to share with them and contribute to people around us.
There is a slight difference between looking for recognition, and trying to contribute.
The first one is self-centered, with an internal goal of solely satisfying their desire. The latter is valuing others as much as oneself, and trying to provide value to them.
alternative behavior: two objectives: to be self-reliant and to live in harmony with society.
</p>
<h3>8. Enoughism</h3>
<p>
Enoughism: changing into the mindset of being vs doing.
Life is not a competition, it's enough to be moving forward.
There is no peace at being in a competition.
Even if you win, you now need to keep winning, because you don't want to be a loser.
The only comparison that could be helpful is comparing with ourselves,
</p>
<h3>9. One does not intrude on other people's tasks. That's all.</h3>
<p>
One does not intrude on other people's tasks. That's all.
What you wear is your task. Thinking and judging what you wore is other people's task. You do not intrude other's tasks.
When you see yourself caught up in thinking what others are thinking about you, you are intruding their life tasks. That's not yours to think, its in their minds, and you have no control over it.
There is a simple way to tell whose task it is. Think, Who ultimately is going to receive the result brought about by the choice that is made? When the child has made the choice of not studying, ultimately, the result of that decision—not being able to keep up in class or to get into the preferred school, for instance—does not have to be received by the parents. Clearly, it is the child who has to receive it. In other words, studying is the child’s task
It's true that one often hears parents today using the phrase “It’s for your own good.” But they are clearly doing so in order to fulfill their own goals, which could be their appearance in the eyes of society, their need to put on airs, or their desire for control, for example. In other words, it is not “for your own good” but for the parents’. And it is because the child senses this deception that he rebels
Support vs no interference: Noninterference is the attitude of not knowing, and not even being interested in knowing what the child is doing. Instead, it is by knowing what the child is doing that one protects him. If it’s studying that is the issue, one tells the child that that is his task, and one lets him know that one is ready to assist him whenever he has the urge to study. But one must not intrude on the child’s task
When no requests are being made, it does not do to meddle in things.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. Forcing change while ignoring the person’s intentions will only lead to an intense reaction
Believing in someone is your task. Letting them know that you support them, and you understand that they should do that is also your task. But the job itself is their task, you shouldn't intrude unless explicitly asked. You let them know they can have your support if they need to, but never intrude.
Parents not approving of what you do is their task, you doing you is your task. You can care about them while still doing something they don't approve of. You have to learn to discard that idea of trying to change their minds, because it's not your task.
Same about everyone else, if they dislike you, its not your task, so you shouldn't worry about their opinion, if you do, you are unconciously submitting to satisfy them, which is again a step back to where we came from.
</p>
<h3>10. To be self-relient is to take responsiblity for your life.</h3>
<p>
The if only test.
There are cases where we use our context and environment to put the blame on others. (read separation of tasks)
We create an image of a horrible boss at work, so we can say my boss is the reason I don't get enough work done.
There is a test you can try, to check if you are putting the blame on someone else, while you could be looking inside for improvements:
Try to imagine a scenario where it would be ideal for you to perform, using "if only" and the thing you are blaming:
If only I didn't have a horrible boss, I could get more work done.
If only I had better photos, I could be successful on dating apps.
If only I had more outgoing friends, I'd be more adventerous.
If only I had more time, I'd go to the gym.
Now try to see how inclined you are to remove those obstacles. Moving to a different team or job.
Asking a photographer to take some good photos of you.
Putting yourself out there to make new outgoing friends, they are outgoing, so they're easy to find.
Making time, deleting a social media application, etc.
If you are not inclined to remove these obstacles, and rather stay in the same position you are, there is a chance you are using that existing environment as an external excuse not to get into something unknown that you fear.
</p> -->
<!-- <p style="font-style: italic;">
You can leave a comment <a href="https://open.substack.com/pub/makenbreak/p/afraid-of-what-people-might-think?r=a7gql&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web">here on substack</a>.
</p> -->
</div>
</div>
<script src="./footer.js"></script>
</div>
</body>
</html>